


A fever you can't sweat out is pretty odd with all its vices and virtues

by a_pile_of_polaroids_in_lonely_moonlight



Category: Fall Out Boy, MCR - Fandom, Panic! at the Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: Depression, Drunk Brendon, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Protective Gerard Way, Psychological Trauma, Shooting, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_pile_of_polaroids_in_lonely_moonlight/pseuds/a_pile_of_polaroids_in_lonely_moonlight
Summary: The Young Veins survived a shooting a while ago and Ryan has his last day of therapy. Even if it is not easy for him he tries to go on and order his life but it turns out that there is much more than the attack he had to work off.A cute little Ryden story. We'll see how it'll turn out.Hope you like it! :))





	1. Just wrecking this evening

The couch was kinda uncomfortable. It always has been. Just like the situation.  
He crossed his fingers over his stomach and looked nervously into the lights. His eyes started to tear up. But he preferred staring into the light instead of looking at that old man next to him, with his grey beard and that old thick glasses on his nose.  
"Well, Mr Ross. How do you feel today?"  
Ryan didn't even know why he was there, in that sticky room.  
"Kinda good, I guess", he said, risking a quick look at the doc.  
The doc just stared at his notes.  
"Anything that happened to you the past days? Anything you want to tell me?"  
Ryan shook his head. There was actually nothing. He was alright.  
Kind off.  
"Mr Ross, as you now, this is our last meeting today. You came to me because of"- the light burned in his eyes -"because of the attack you have survived. It is a current problem many famous people have to face. It is traumatizing. Of course it is.  
We talked about your feelings, your fears and also about your options. I guess you have thought about it for a long time. Do you have decided and if yes, what is your decision?"  
"I'll stop", he mumbled.  
"Hm?"  
The doc looked up.  
"I talked to the other members. We will stop. Jon nearly lost his life and.. he has a family. His wife is pregnant All of us have people we would leave behind. It's not worth it. That's not just my but our decision."  
Doctor Conrad looked at him for a few seconds.  
"I can not say that it is not reasonable”, he said slowly. “Are you really okay with that?"  
“Yeah.”  
"Okay, Mr Ross. Have you talked with your agency about your wish?"  
"Yes."  
"Any problems?"  
"No. They're sorry. But they do understand our decision."  
He closed his eyes and for a few minutes, both of them were silent.  
Then Ryan sat up and looked at Doctor Conrad.  
"That's it, I guess? I have to thank you a lot for your help. I don't know if I would have survived it without you."  
The doc showed a thin smile.  
"I do not want to say something like 'that's my job'. But it is." The doc hesitated for a second.  
"Well, if you need more... If you don't feel ready to-"  
"I feel ready. Thanks, Doctor Conrad." He looked up at him and tried to smile.  
Then, before the doctor could add something Ryan stood up, grabbed his coat and left the practice.  
As soon as he had arrived the exit he gripped his left and pressed it against his chest. He felt a bit dizzy.  
The train station wasn't that far so he decided to have a little walk. Ryan dropped his hand and buried his face in his coats' collar. It had become colder the past days.  
He had to speed up so he wouldn't miss his train and after a walk of ten minutes, the train station appeared on his left.  
A short look on both sides on the street, then he sprinted to the other side of the street, took the steps downstairs and featured on the other platform.  
Stressed people crossed his way and a guy bumped into him by accident but Ryan didn't even notice.  
He jumped into carriage and took a seat with his back to the engine.  
The train started moving. A look outside the window showed him that it was already about to get dark. The windowpane also mirrored his face, a pale and grayish one with tired and sunken eyes. For a moment he starred at it, a bit puzzled, then he looked away.  
He felt so ugly. Just like.. He didn't even know. That feeling was familiar and he was angry with himself that he wasn't able to change it after all that time. He thought about calling Jon. But he just knew that he would be at home with Cassie. And the unborn baby. He didn't want to disturb them.  
Then his date with Lola sunk into his mind. Checking his cellphone he realized that she had tried to call him for 3 times. He pressed the recall key. Not a second and her voice appeared.  
“Hello?” She seemed to be a bit out of breath.  
“Hey, it's m-”  
“Ryan?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Oh Ry! Why haven't you called me? When will you we meet?”  
Ryan checked out the time on the display, then he answered: “Give me like 45 minutes.”  
“Okay.” She paused for a second.  
“Well, see you then.”  
“Yeah. See you, Lola.”  
She hang up.  
Ryan sighed. He was tired, not very motivated to go out and amuse his girlfriend tonight.  
Well, Lola was very lovely, very understanding, intelligent and also kinda pretty. She was a good catch, but sometimes Ryan just wanted her to calm down, not talking so much. He wasn't the big speaker. He had never been. And today he was totally done.  
Back at his flat he had no longer than a few minutes to refresh himself, then he took a taxi to get to Lola. She was waiting for him at a small Italian restaurant and when she noticed him she showed him a delicate smile. Ryan tried to return it but then he decided to give her a short kiss instead.  
He took the seat opposite her.  
“How are you?”, Lola asked.  
“Fine.”  
“You look tired.”  
“I am.”  
The apprehensive look she gave him let him feel a bit uncomfortable but he was lucky that she didn't ask further questions.  
“So how are you doing?”, he asked instead.  
Lola shrugged her shoulders.  
“I´m okay. Everything is as usual.”  
They ordered their food like ten minutes later and while waiting Lola told him about her mother Jenn and her new kitchen. Lola always told him that her mom was a great cook and that he definitely should accompany her the next time she visited her mom to try her food. He didn't tell her that he was always a bit caught off guard when she asked him to meet her family.  
Okay, they were dating for over a month now. But it really wasn't that easy for Ryan to move on so fast. He needed time but on the other hand he didn't want to bore her so he just always nodded his assent.  
The food was good. He had pizza and Lola gave him a fork from her risotto. It was very delicious. While eating and chatting Ryan calmed down a bit, just forgot the rest of the exhausting day and when they were about to leave and Lola asked if she could come over he agreed.  
Hand in hand they left the restaurant, took a taxi and arrived his flat like twenty minutes later. He opened the door for her and hang her jacket. After getting two bottles of coke from the fridge they decided to watch a stupid action film just for entertainment and curled up on he couch together.  
Lola's head lied on this shoulder and he could smell her shampoo. Raspberry? He didn't now but in fact he wasn't really interested. After a while she took his hand, stroking her thumb over the back of his hand, then she looked up to him. He replied her view, recognized her look to his lips, then her face came closer.  
It was always a bit odd to kiss her. Not like she wasn't a good kisser, but she was always kind of.. dramatically? No, that was the wrong term. More like superficial. Like she would just live in her own world while doing that.  
Her lips were soft, tasting like yam and not long and she started kissing his neck. His eyes were opened, focused on the lamp at the ceiling. Her hand went under his shirt and she randomly started pushing it up. Ryan pulled her up so she had to kiss him again and she forgot to continue.  
It was kinda fine until her hand reached his crotch. Reflexively Ryan caught her hand and she stopped immediately, both looking at each other. Puzzled.  
The situation was pretty odd.  
“What's the matter?”, she asked, a bit confused.  
For a second he was also confused, looking down to her hand. When he looked up again he was a bit insecure about what to answer.  
“Well, please don't-”  
“Don't what?”, Lola asked directly.  
“Don't do this”, he mumbled.  
When he didn't say anything more Lola's view became kinda uncomprehending.  
“Don't ya like it?”, she asked.  
“That's not the point.”  
“Well, then what IS the point?!”, she asked, louder now.  
“The point is that I'm not ready.”  
“Please don't tell me that fuckin' George Ryan Ross is a virgin.”  
“Don't call me George. And hell no, I'm not a virgin.”  
“Then what is the problem?”  
“Lola, I just can't do it right now, okay?”  
She snorted and her eyes sparkled angrily.  
“I can't hear this any more.”  
Ryan looked asking but when she didn't answer him and reacted kinda stubbornly he became pissed.  
“What have you expected, Lola? That I would fuck you right after our first date? You should know that I am human as well.”  
She snorted again.  
“Of course. You're human. And human George-”  
“Don't call me George!”  
“Okay”, she said artificially kind.  
“And you – a lucky human being as you are – aren't able to become intimate with your girlfriend BUT ARE able to write fuckin' lyrics about fucking Brendon Urie.” She had jumped up, looking at him like a crazy witch or something.  
Ryan was totally baffled.  
“Dafug, what are you talking about?”  
“About lovely little Cape Town and fucked black cats boy.”  
“Have you gone totally crazy now?”  
“Why? Aren't these lyrics about that guy?”  
“Fuck, no. I mean just what is your problem, Lola?”  
“My FUCKING PROBLEM?”  
She laughed out loud.  
“ MY FUCKING PROBLEM IS THAT YOU ARE FUCKING RYAN ROSS NOT BEING ABLE TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING YOU STUPID ASSHOLE. I really tried to understand you! Your feelings. I have always shown understanding for your problems! An-”  
“My problems?”, he interrupted her.  
“Do you even know my problems, Lola? I can tell you what my problems are! Maybe that my band came under fire, that Jon nearly lost his life, that I had to overcome a fucked up therapy and the only thing, the only FUCKED UP thing you have to tell me is that I am writing lyrics about Urie? You have shown understanding. Off course you have. Actually you have given a shit about it girl! But if you understand me, if you truly understand me, Lola, then keep your ass out of my flat and don't piss me off any longer.”  
Lola was speechless. She looked at him, realizing what she said and what he said and she just seemed to be totally helpless.  
“Ryan...”, she said imploringly.  
“Leave. Now.”  
“Ryan, please!”  
The look he gave her was cold like ice and all at once he felt completely done. Lola remained motionless, just starring at him.  
“Fine”, he said, picking up his keys.  
“See that you've left when I come back.”  
With this words he left the flat.

Once he gave attention to his surrounding he found himself next to a pub with the shitty name 'Glibbery Cats'. It was cold, he had forgotten to take a jacket and he also was thirsty so he entered. Ryan took a seat close to the door. The pub was sticky and the guy next to him didn't make it better due to his cigarette.  
“What for you?”, asked the guy behind the bar.  
Ryan looked up, a bit dizzy.  
“A co-” Suddenly he realized that he didn't even had money with him.  
“Ahm, nothing for no-”  
“Two cokes for my friend and me”, said the guy on his left. Ryan looked at a pale face, framed by fire red hair. Firstly he thought he was wrong but he recognized that face. The guy next to him thanked the bar keeper for the drinks and pushed one of the glasses in front of Ryan.  
Than he said cheers and smiled at him. Ryan was way to confused and didn't even recognize the glass for a second.  
“Not thirsty?”, the guy asked.  
“What?” Ryan felt kinda odd.  
“Oh, yeah, of course.” He mumbled a 'thanks' and sipped at his coke.  
“Say, do we know each other?”, the guy asked after a few minutes. Ryan swallowed up and started coughing.  
“Oh sorry!”, said the guy and started patting his back.  
“I just thought that I know your face you know. Ah, I haven't even introduced myself, right? I'm so impolite, sry. My name is Gerard. What about you?”  
“Ryan”, he answered quietly.  
“Sorry, I didn't understand you.”  
“Ryan”, he said a bit louder now and gave him a short look.  
“Ryan”, the red haired revised thoughtfully.  
“Sure! You're Ryan Ross, aren't you?”  
Totally confused Ryan nodded.  
“What a pleasure! I had never expected that I would spend a drink to Ryan Ross!”  
Ryan meanwhile scratched his head, actually a sign of his insecurity.  
“Ahm, you-”  
“Hm?” Gerard considered the glass in his hand like it would be kinda interesting.  
“Tell me, aren't you Way? I mean, Gerard Way? Maybe I'm totally wrong. I mean I.. Ahm, yeah. You just look like the lead singer of that band. My Chemical Romance. Do you know them?”  
Gerard glanced at him for a second, then he started grinning.  
“Well, of course I now them. I mean its my band, right?”  
“So you really are Gerard Way?”  
He looked down on himself. “Yes, I guess that's me.”  
“And you tell me its a pleasure to meet me..”, Ryan mumbled.  
“What? You have to talk louder Ryan! I'm an old men and my ears are dead due to the fact that I have a very temperamental wife, ya know?”  
Ryan just shook his head. Could that evening get stranger? First of all, his last meeting with his doc, then his crazy girlfriend, or maybe he should say ex girlfriend, and now he sat here, next to Gerard Way spending him a fucking coke and randomly talking to him in a shitty pub called 'Glibbery Cats'.  
“So tell me, Ryan”, Gerard interrupted him from his thoughts, “ what are you doing here? I mean you just don't look like you had expected to be here.”  
“No”, Ryan confessed. “I just fled from my girlfriend.”  
“Oh, you too?”, Gerard asked.  
“Well, then we have the same problem I guess.”  
“Why have you left?”, Ryan requested honestly interested.  
“Oh. My wife just had one of her tantrums again. Its worse than when she was pregnant to be honest but since our daughter is around she is like a tiger women screaming because of everything.”  
“Oh, that sounds horrible.”  
“Naa, it isn't like that bad. Give her two hours and she will be like a little lamb again.”  
“So that's the reason you're here? Waiting for your wife to calm down?”  
“Yeah. Kind off. And what went wrong between you and your girl?”  
“Well, I guess I can't call her my girl any longer.”  
“Wanna talk about it?”  
“Na, there's nothing to tell. We just had our differences I guess.”  
Gerard gave him a compassionate look and sighed, then sipped at his coke.  
“That's sad boy, but I think you should just forget about her. It isn't worth it to fight when you know its senseless, right?  
So tell me Ryan, what's your music doin'?”  
Ryan directly felt kinda uncomfortable, more then when Gerard asked him about Lola.  
“Oh, I'm not very productive at the moment. I mean, maybe you heard about the fire at my band? Well, its even not my band any more.”  
“The Young Veins, right? Yea, heard about it. What a terrible thing. I'm glad that no one died.”  
“Yea, me too.”  
“So you wanna stop?”  
Ryan agreed due to nodding.  
“That's really sad. Liked your stuff.”  
“Thanks. And what are you doing?”, Ryan tried to turning round the chat.  
“Oh, we're releasing our new album on 22nd.”  
“Oh, really?”  
“Yea, we're really exited. Hey, we have a little celebration on the new album on Saturday. You can join us if you want to.”  
“That's nice, thank you. But I think I can't accept this.”  
Ryan starred at his empty glass and thought about who could be there. It wouldn't be much fun to see familiar faces. Well, not every at least. Gerard shrugged his shoulders.  
“Your decision boy. But its not healthy to stay on your own all the time. Especially when you feel like shit, trust me. So I look forward to see you there.”  
Ryan gave him an insecure glance but Gerard just smiled cheering.  
“Well, but I think I have to go home now. Otherwise Lynz will freak out again because I'm too late. But ahh, you don't have your mobile phone with ya?”, he asked. Ryan shook his head.  
“David, do ya have a pen and a piece of paper for me? Thanks.” Gerard scribbled his phone number on a coaster and gave it to Ryan.  
“Just write me, I'll send you the address”, he said. “See ya on Saturday and don't you dare you show up your ass!“, he said, looking very serious but then started smiling again. „Just a joke boy.”  
And then he paid the drinks, said goodbye to the bar keeper and left the pub, buzzing a melody Ryan didn't know.  
He gave the coaster a glance and shook his head again.  
Like, what the hell went wrong today?  
Doubting about himself he left the pub and strolled back home.  
When he arrived his flat it was quiet. Lola had left without a sign. No note, no missed call on his phone.  
He sat down in the kitchen, listening to depressing silence.


	2. Some people never change

When Ryan woke up the next day he felt fucked. Moreover, empty. He lied in his bed for what felt like an hour without doing, even without thinking, anything. His hair still smelled like smoke and he felt like he had been on drugs the last few days, but he wasn't. It was frustrating.  
Realizing that it wouldn't become much better while lying there like a senseless human being he decided to take a hot shower but even that didn't get him really up.  
The mirror confirmed him that he simply looked as fucked as he felt. Even the shower didn't make it better, never mind, gave him any colour in his face. Kinda annoyed he went into the kitchen to drink four cups of coffee and two and a half hours later he found himself on a comfy chair in front of an interviewer.  
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen! Today I am very happy to welcome Ryan Ross, the singer of The Young Veins, also known as the former guitarist and background singer of Panic! At The Disco!  
A warm welcome to you, Ryan."  
"Thank you very much."  
"Today we are talking about the current break up of your band The Young Veins, also about the tragic event that happened on August 24th.  
So, how do you feel right now, Ryan?"  
"Kinda good I guess."  
The interviewer, a middle aged women with bright red lipstick looked at him, smiling but also expecting that he'd more to say. When he didn't say more she went on by herself.  
"Well, your agency have announced that The Young Veins broke up the other day. They said that it's related to the events in august which had been very traumatic for all of you. Do you wanna tell us about your decision to split the band?"  
"Well, it wasn't easy for all of us. The last weeks were very stressful and we have thought a lot about what to do with the band."  
"Does it feel for you like your break up with Panic! At The Disco?" The question confused Ryan but he answered it nevertheless.  
"No, definitely not. I left Panic! because of creative differences. Jon and I wanted to work on own stuff and therefore founded The Young Veins like I have stated after we've left Panic!. So, as you can see, the background is totally different. Panic! still exists but didn't get wounded, did they?"  
While he spoke he felt how his hands started to shake so he clamped them between his knees to over play it as best as possible.  
"Do you have contact to the members of Panic! at the moment?"  
"No."  
The view of the interviewer with her faked smile was so intensive that he felt like he had to vomit on her lilac pumps.  
"Are you working on own things right now?", she asked instead.  
"No."  
"Do you plan new records?"  
"Well, no.."  
"Like.. nothing?" She sounded a bit annoyed.  
"No“, Ryan said again, also a bit pissed now. ''Listen, I had other problems than thinking about f-, about records the last weeks, don't you agree with that?"  
He replied her view kinda defiant and also a bit tensed because he already started to break out in sweat.  
"Yes, Ryan, you're right. I totally agree with you. Then, could you tell us about the fire instead?"  
Her empathizing expression went of in less than a second.  
"Jon Walker got shot down, right? Do you remember anything? Anything to tell us about?"  
She sounded bored while asking but Jon had been the key word. Within a breath Ryan felt totally dizzy. He didn't even recognize that he had stood up.  
"Mr. Ross?", he heard a voice from far away, then he fell forwards and started vomiting onto the bright carpet.  
There was blood. Blood everywhere. Jon laying on the stage, pale like a corpse, a sea of blood surrounding him.  
He kneeled in front of his seat, shivering and flooded by sweat. He tried to breathe but nothing happened. His lungs stayed empty. Meanwhile, the interviewer panickly tried to distract the audience and to stop the record but Ryan didn't even heard what she was actually saying.  
He just tried to do something, anything, but he was totally hyperventilating, feeling like he had to die now. Just like he should have back then in August on this way to large stage.Then his instincts awoke and he jumped up and run directly into the microphone. The interviewer cried out, people started surrounding him, tried to fix him. Ryan pushed them away. He was shaking. All he wanted was to run, simply run away. Away from this broken world, this fucked up reality.

Half an hour later Ryan sat in the hallway, with a blanket on his shoulders, a glass of lemonade in his hand. He felt sick. He couldn't even move but on the other hand he just wanted to go home, have a nap, take another shower, maybe take some pills to calm down.  
Everyone was worried, even more than he actually was himself.  
"How are you?", asked the guy that sat him down there.  
Ryan shrugged.  
"I just wanna go home", he muttered.  
"Do you think you are able to leave by yourself? Is there anyone we could call for you to pick you up?"  
A short second he thought about Lola. Then Jon. But -  
"No. Just call me a taxi, please", he mumbled. The guy eyed him for a moment, then he nodded and left to call a taxi station. Ryan sighed. Why did that have to happen? Ironically now. Like why couldn't he be a man who wasn't crying about past shit. Everyone else was fine. Everyone except him. Even Jon who nearly lost his life was on a good way. And then there was him with a ridiculous graze shot panicking during a fucking interview.  
Besides the fact that it was kinda embarrassing he thought about the people who were close to him. People who listened to the radio while that shit happened and suddenly he felt ashamed. He was like a baby.  
The guy returned, holding his jacket and his backpack in his hands. Ryan stood up and let the guy help him to put on his jacket. When he grabbed his backpack, staggered for a second but directly hold up his hands to keep the guy at bay. The poor one seemed to regret that he let him go.  
"I'm fine", Ryan stated and went downstairs, still a bit dizzy. He took the stairs instead of the lift. Otherwise he would've had vomited again. There he was totally sure about.

 

Ryan didn't like smoking but after he left the taxi he asked the next guy he met for a cigarette. When he came inside his flat he felt dizzy again, like he had a hangover or something like that. The cigarettes flavor was disgusting, but it helped him to calm down.  
Ryan took a seat on his sofa and inhaled the smoke like it would give him live, not an early death.  
But maybe the last opportunity wouldn't actually be that bad as long as his situation was that shitty.   
It was totally silent. For a moment he thought about playing a good old track, something from queen maybe. But it would just frustrate him, even when he asked himself if it could get much worse.  
The day ended with another shower, pills and.. queen. He sang quietly along the verses, his foot was shaking in rhythm.  
A quick view to his guitar next to the TV and he felt worse again. He wanted to play, he desperately wanted to play along, just doing what he had always loved. But he couldn't. He wasn't able to move his ass over, grip his old baby and play.  
He needed it. Like a drug. But the fear was stronger than his needs.  
Ryan grabbed a pillow and pressed his face into it. Then he started screaming.  
No one heard it.

xxx

He had totally forgotten to message Gerard. He remembered it on Saturday morning while he was waking up, thinking about the day.  
Mumbling a quiet 'Fuck' Ryan gripped for his phone. 9 am. With a moan he stood up and searched for the stupid note Gerard had given to him at the bar. The one with his phone number on it.   
He found it in his pants in the dirt laundry and wrote:

Sry, I have totally forgotten to contact you! Didn't find the note until now either.  
I hope you aren't mad or sth like that.  
Ryan

It didn't need a minute until Gerard answered him.

Hey boy!  
Already asked myself if I had scared you or sth like that. Well, would love it if you'd join us today! Beer is cold ;)) (Well I guess I shouldn't write this. I don't even drink :D BIT WE HAVE COKE AS WELL)  
Just move your ass over tonight! Otherwiise I'll come and pick ya up. I promise, you dont wont that to happen Oo  
Okay ma wife says I should stop annoying you. See ya later :D  
G

Ryan stared at the message. For a second he was confused but then he had to crack a smile. That man was an idiot but he still liked him.  
And well, it wasn't like he had other plans for today so he asked for Gerard’s address and had to promise him 10 times that he'd definitely come (G asked him to promise it over and over again).  
He left the flat at 7pm and arrived an hour later. Even outside the house he could hear a lot of voices from the inside. Hadn't Gerard said it would be a small party? Well, now he was there.  
He rang the doorbell and it didn't take a minute for Gerard to open it.

"Ryan! Lovely! Just come inside! Come, boy!"  
Gerard took his jacket and went with him into a big and full living room, which was directly connected to a dining room. The lights were off but everywhere were kinda kitschy fairy lights not fitting the music that was played. Gerard recognized his glance at them. "Pretty cool, hm?", he said, then he swung his arm over his shoulder and pulled him to the big dinning table.  
"Well, guys, that is my new friend Ryan!", he yelled.  
Everyone looked up saying hi or whatever when-  
"Ryan?"  
He looked over to a black haired guy at the end of the table. It was Pete Wentz. Ryan wank him shortly and tried to smile.  
"Hey G! Where have you found that lost puppy?", Pete asked after nodding to Ryan.  
"Ohh, that's a pretty funny story! I was at this pub after Lynz had thrown me out because she's mad again and then there was that cutie right next to me and I've spent him a drink. I guess I'm pretty social, right?"  
"Are you talking shit about me again, little stupid?", a female voice appeared behind them.  
Ryan turned around and saw himself next to a very attractive woman in a short red checked skirt and a black shirt. She wore her hair in two black buns and her confident smiling lips were tinted in a bloody shade.  
"Never", Gerard said smiling, pulled her closer and gave her a short but passionate kiss.  
"Ryan? That's ma wife."  
"Just call me Lynz", she said smiling and took his hand for a short shook.  
"Hey", Ryan said.  
"Well, just take a seat. What do you like to drink?"

 

Later Ryan found himself next to a guy called Frank, who was a pretty passionate guitarist.  
They discussed about other guitarists, special playing techniques and, of course, about guitars. Currently Frank was telling him about a pretty old one he was allowed to try during the records of their new album, when a voice appeared.  
He hadn't expected that he would come as well. Loud, impulsive with his roaring laughter he recognized Brendon immediately.  
Ryan risked a short glance. He became much smaller in his chair and leaned over to Frank, just hoping that Brendon wouldn't see him.  
"GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I just hope your all stoned and alright and fucking congratulations to you guys for your adorable album!"  
He saw Gerard from the corner of his eye and they went arm in arm to the sofa.  
"Dude, are you listening?", Frank asked him.  
"Ah, yeah. Of course. Keep talking!"  
Many members from other bands had shown up that evening. Ryan had never heard about some of them. After two beer on an empty stomach he became a bit tired and damned himself that he hasn't eaten something instead of a quick breakfast that landed on the carpet in the studio.  
The shit Frank was smoking in front of him also wasn't very productive to keep him awake and at some point he couldn't remember anything. He had just fallen asleep, like most of the guys there (even if they had other reasons to be knocked out).

 

It was late, like 2am he guessed, when he woke up. Most heads were lying on the desk, others were kinda busy.  
He stood up and went to a little bar in the right corner of the room to search for a water. While looking inside the small fridge he heard steps behind him.  
"Excuse me dude, but can you help me?” Ryan looked up. In front of him stood a tall guy with messy brown hair.  
''There is a pretty drunken guy in the garden vomiting like a .. well, could you maybe help me with him? I'm not that sober either and he's a bit.. well.."  
Ryan gripped for a water bottle, groaning quietly.  
"Yea, of course."  
"I'm really sorry for that", the dude told him while walking outside.  
"But everyone is like dead and G is like away? Donno." The guy scratched the back of his head.  
"No problem", Ryan said to stop his babbling.  
There were no lights in the garden so Ryan couldn't see the vomiting one firstly. But when he came closer he recognized him.  
It was Brendon. Brendon on his knees, with a curved back, vomiting directly into a flower bed.  
For a moment he wanted to turn around and go inside again, but it didn't seem like Brendon would be able to even recognize him.  
He kneed next to him, putting his hand on Brendon's shoulder.  
"GO AWAY YOU STUID FUCKER!", Brendon yelled while paddling with his arms.  
Ryan gave the guy that asked him for help a short glance. He could guess why he had asked him for help.   
"Brendon? "  
"GO AWAY WILLIE!"  
"I don't wanna disappoint you but I'm not Willie. Here's Ryan."  
"W-who?", Brendon asked out of breath and totally dizzy.  
"Ryan", he repeated a bit louder.  
Brendon looked up shortly.  
"Ah, Ryan", he said and started vomiting again.  
"Nice welcome", Ryan said with a dull smile.  
"Heh."  
Brendon was shaking a bit.  
"Wanna have a water?", Ryan asked kinda randomly.  
"Have some?", Brendon asked and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.   
Ryan gave him the bottle he actually got for himself and then grabbed for Brendon's arm while he was drinking so the other one want fall.  
"Seems like you haven't changed", Brendon babbled after putting down the bottle that fall over immediately.  
"What do you mean?", Ryan asked a bit confused, still glancing to the bottle.  
"You're the same helpful sucker you've ever been." Ryan looked up.   
"And you're still a stupid drunken dickhead."  
Brendon laughed shorty.  
"Yea, maybe."  
Brendon looked into the flower bed. He actually seemed to be a bit disgusted by his own vomit.  
"I feel like bullshit, dude", Brendon said and burped.  
"Well, you actually look like bullshit“, Ryan confirmed.  
"I think so."  
Ryan observed him for a while.  
"If you feel a bit better we should go inside. It's way to cold here for a drunken guy in a t-shirt.''  
"Yeah", Brendon mumbled exhausted.  
Ryan helped Brendon to stand up. The guy that asked him for help still sneaked at the entrance.  
"It's okay, you can go", Ryan said and the guy seemed to be pretty thankful for that.  
They hadn't made like two steps when Brendon stopped.  
"Ry'n am sorry but I-" And suddenly Brendon leaned forward and vomited directly onto Ryan's shoes. Well, the vomit was very watery, but it was still disgusting.  
Ryan who was making a face still hold his former friend but made a step aside so Brendon didn't vomit on his shoes any more.  
"Oh I feel so sick'', Brendon mumbled gasping.  
"Yea, my shoes also", Ryan answered quietly, more to himself actually while looking at his shoes but Brendon heard him nevertheless.   
"What?" Brendon gave Ryan's shoes a glance.  
"Oh, I'm sry. Haven't seen them dude."  
"Why am I not surprised?", Ryan asked grumbling.  
"Come on, move your ass inside'', Ryan said then. ''Do you know where the bathroom is?"  
"Yea, right si-", Brendon had to gag again.  
"Get a grip, stupid!", Ryan said annoyed.  
"I'll try..", Brendon gasped.  
Ryan had no idea how he actually got Brendon into the bathroom, placed him over the toilet bowl and pulled of his dirty and sweaty shirt. Even after twenty minutes Brendon still hugged the bowl, shaking and sweating like a pig at the slaughter house. Ryan had grabbed for a towel, rubbing over Brendon's back, also his head, again and again.  
“What the hell have you taken?”, Ryan mumbled more to himself when Brendon still didn't get better.  
“Donno”, Brendon answered.  
“But it was bullsh-”, he choked again. Ryan asked himself if there was even anything left inside his stomach but it didn't seem like that because nothing had come out for a while now.  
The air inside the small room was sticky and smelling and Ryan also had became a bit sick. He had to think about his own vomit performance in the studio today and suddenly found himself controlling his own sickness so he didn't push Brendon aside and hug the toilet bowl himself.  
Then someone opened the door.  
“Jesus Christ, what's going on here?!” Gerard asked kinda stunned.  
“Why haven't you called me?”, he asked Ryan.  
“Well.. seemed like no one has known where you were so I tried to help him by myself.”  
“Shit.. You look also like you've to puke.”  
Keyword. Again. Ryan pushed Brendon aside and puked his guts out.  
He heard Gerard mumbling a dull “great”, then his host screamed for a pretty drunken Frank and a not so drunken, actually sober Patrick.  
“Oh! Haven't seen him in awhile!”, Patrick said surprised when he saw Ryan.

 

This night was worse than hell. Not just because Ryan's stomach felt like filled with acid but because he was also the weak dumb head again. Well, Brendon wasn't better off but that was related to the drugs he took, not to his fucked up psyche.  
When Ryan woke up out of a nervous sleep he found himself on another sofa in another room. He guessed it was a guest room. The door was open and after a few minutes of silence Brendon appeared and gave him a glance before jumping into the bed. The boy stopped within the move.  
“You're awake'', he said stupidly.   
Ryan didn't answer. He just stared at him like a sheep.  
“Who's awake?”, another voice appeared.  
“Oh!! The guitar boy!” That was Frank, still a bit drunk but he seemed to be okay.  
“Nice performance yesterday. Never thought you would have the power to push this big baby aside.”  
“Oh, he can be really strong if he wants too!”, Brendon said, giving the black haired a glance.  
“You know him?”, Frank asked.  
“Yeah.. he was our former guitarist.”  
The silence that followed was awkward.  
“Oh.. Haven't known that. Sry for you. But well, if I would have had a stupid like you in ma band I'd also left.”  
Due to this Brendon looked kinda pissed.  
“Great fucker then move your ass outside!”  
“Please don't vomit onto his shoes again Brendy. It was pretty disgusting to clean them up.”  
“You haven't cleaned them, bean boy.” Gerard appeared inside the door.  
“How are you?”, he asked softly.  
Ryan tried to sit up. He felt pretty shitty.  
“Fine thanks”, he said a bit lame.  
“What time is it?”, Ryan asked then kinda trying to overplay his actual condition.  
“Like 11.30am I guess”, Gerard said, looking to Frank who just shrugged.  
“I should go home now”, Ryan mumbled while rubbing his face with his hands.  
“Don't wanna have coffee?”, Gerard asked slowly.  
Ryan hesitated for a moment.  
“Give me a sec!”, Gerard yelled, ran out of the room and jangled downstairs.  
“Okay, baby boys I'll have a look for the other fuckers”, Frank said with a lame wave and shuffled away so Brendon and Ryan were alone again. It was silent for like a minute or so.  
“You look like shit. Have also taken something?”, Brendon asked carefully then.  
“No. That was just you.”  
“Sorry for that”, Brendon said while scratching the back of his head.  
“No”, Ryan said a bit to fast so Brendon looked up  
“What no?”, he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
“You don't have to apologize”, the other boy mumbled with closed eyes. He just felt exhausted.  
Brendon looked at him, kinda analyzed his face and when Ryan recognized it he hated it immediately.  
“Don't look at me like I'm an animal”, Ryan said before he even knew.  
Brendon seemed to be surprised, then he looked away.  
“Sry. I was just remembering.”  
“What exactly?”  
“Everything.” Stupid silence again.  
“Well.. all that fucked up evenings.. after show drinks and the hangovers the other days. You've always helped me. I guess I never thanked you for that.”  
“You did”, Ryan said directly, looking up to him.  
“Really?” Brendon returned his glance.   
“Yeah. Every time.”  
“Well.. thanks that you've tried it too this night.” Ryan's eyes waved to the window for a moment. The sky seemed to be cloudy so it wasn't that bright outside.  
“You said it”, he mumbled then.  
“What?”  
“Some people never change.”  
The smile Brendon gave him after he said that was kind. He couldn't else but reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sry that I needed sooo much time to upload the next chapter! I actually have written like 5 chapters until now but I never had time to work on them, especially on the second one, mostly because of the Christmas stress. But well, here it is! :)  
> I hope you liked it! If so feel free to leave me a comment :) I would love to hear your opinion! I wish you a great week!
> 
> (Not native so please don't judge me for mistakes but feel free to correct me! ^.^)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that was my first chapter of my ff, hope you liked it!  
> However, would love it if you'd leave me a comment! :))  
> Look forward to the next chapter and warm regards to all of you! xx
> 
> PS: Even if English isn't my mother tongue I tried my best to make it readable so please don't judge when it sounds a bit infelicitous sometimes but feel free to tell me! :)


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